


Apple Juice Adventure

by chocolatemilk2



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Auspisticism, Gen, M/M, Meta, Other, dialogue based humour, not very drama or ust/angsty?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-27
Updated: 2013-04-27
Packaged: 2017-12-09 16:06:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/776113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chocolatemilk2/pseuds/chocolatemilk2
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All Dave wanted was aj. What he got was clueless trolls, and a club quadrant.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Apple Juice Adventure

**Author's Note:**

  * For [BeneathSilverStars](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeneathSilverStars/gifts).



If you were hashing this out, you’d say you just happened to be strolling along when you happened on Bee Dude and Karkat arguing like Terezi had outlawed civil conversation and all small talk had to be made through manner of furious court debate. But that’s not entirely how it went down.

You were going for some apple juice, and you got lost on the meteor (it happens, _shut up_ ), so you wandered into Karkat’s new pad by accident. You turned to leave, but trolls are vampire bats who like their caves dark as shit for some reason, also meteors don’t come with pre-fitted light fixtures, so of course you stacked it. Your ironic converse caught on the corner of one of Kanaya’s graciously gifted fur rugs, and while you fell it curled you up in a long roll, like your life was part of a Sylvester the Cat comic short. Off you went, rolling down the stairs, _I warned you about the stairs bro!!_ , and then you were lying dazed at the feet of two mad-ass looking grey dudes. In Karkat’s dungeon. A romcom clattered next to your face.

“YOU UTTER DISGRACE OF A BLOOD-PUSHING SENTIENT BEING, HONEY SANDWHICHES ARE NOT ART!” Karkat exclaimed, all caps-lock in your ear. Or loud enough to sound it like it was. “I CAN’T BELIEVE YOUR THINKPAN IS SO ADDLED YOU IMAGINE _SUSTANENCE MATERIAL_ IS AESTHETICALLY PLEASING. THERE IS NOTHING BEAUTIFUL ABOUT WHITE BREAD AND FILLING. NOTHING.”

“Obviouthly your thinkpan ith the one that ith addled, becauthe honey thhandwhiches are beautifull ath bitcheth,” Captor said. “The humanth get it. Look, they even made thpecial coloured containerth to protect the thacred objecth. Tho why elth would they be dithplayed next to luxuriouth watcheth in a documented art book?”

“WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? DID YOUR LUSUS DROP YOU ON YOUR HEAD AS A WRIGGLER? HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU BE SO SHELTERED THAT YOU CAN’T EVEN RECOGNISE A RECIPE BOOK. YOU LIVED IN A COMMUNAL HIVE, NOT UNDER A ROCK.”

“Thmarter than you, you fuckin thcript-kiddy n00bhead, you can thuck my fuckin _nook_. Look at thith fuckin thit. Thith shit right here. It thayth _look at me all pretenthiouth in my modelth symettrical featureth and weird stupid long feather dreth next to thith honey_. Fuckin’ art.”

“NO, IT SAYS SOLLUX IS AN IDIOT WHO IS WRONG AND CAN’T LISTEN. SO SUCK IT. ACTUALLY WHY DON’T YOU GO SUCK YOUR OWN NOOK YOU DESPERATE DOUCHENERD? FOR ALTERNIA’S SAKE, YOU’RE GOING TO EMBARRASS US IN FRONT OF THE HUMANS.”

 “Sup,” you said from the floor.

Karkat turned bright red and made a sort of antagonized clawing gesture, which could just also be a wave.

“Hi,” said Captor. You gave him a quick nod; you got the feeling he was laughing at your position but determined not to look obliging. You weren’t going to look a gift cool in the mouth, anyway.

“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN MY RESPITEBLOCK, AND ALSO, WITH MY FUCKING SILK-GRUB EMBROIDED RUG,” Karkat said. “KNOCK FIRST. OR AT LEAST CALL. DOUCHELORD.”

“I think I’m stuck,” you admitted. You considered going back in time and warning yourself not to pull this shit, but if you’re honest, you didn’t really want to drag this meteor ride on any longer than you had to.

“You’re _rollthtuck_ ,” Captor said, which apparently meant something, and he smirked and winded you out the rug with his Criss Angel mind powers.

“MORE LIKE UNSTUCK,” Karkat contradicted. “OR ALTERNATIVELY UNROLLSTUCK. SINCE THAT WAS A THING THAT HAPPENED. UNLIKE YOU.”

“Thanks,” you said to Captor. “My day isn’t complete without being stuckUnrollstuck. That shit just does me good. 3 rolls and 5 veg a day. Whatever the hell that makes me.”

“Thuperbly unhealthy,” Captor decided. “Ingethting carpet can’t be good for your tranthmithionth canal.”

“THAT IS SO BEHIND THE POINT THE POINT IS GOING TO HAVE TO REPEAT THE THIRD GRADE,” Karkat said. “STOP BEING SUCH A BLATHERING WIGGLER AND APOLOGISE.”

“Like thit I am,” Captor attested. “Why don’t _you_ apologize, thinthe you’re the one who’th wrong.”

You interrupted. “I am so lost. I literally have no idea what is going right now. Or where I am, since it’s dark as Darth Vader’s costume choices.”  

“MIGHT WANT TO DITCH THE SHADES, TIMELORD,” Karkat suggested with a grin. “OR ARE YOU JUST THE LORD OF BEING SLOW AS SHIT?”

That was teasing or something? Trolls are weird, man. “Go with lord of all, it’s easier on the paperwork.” You rolled your shoulders casually. “So what’s going on, down here? Keeping the glasses.”

“WHAT’S GOING ON, IS SOLLUX IS BEING AN UTTER DOUCHE,” Karkat said, as at the same time Sollux said, “Karkat ith being a thtubborn atth.”

“Whoa there with the pulling pigtails, girls,” you replied. “If this gets any more X rated it’ll have ray vision and they won’t be allowed to show it at hospitals.”

“Thee, even Time Princess can tell you’re acting like a piece of thit,” Captor said.

“EXCUSE ME, I WASN’T THE ONE WHO DECIDED WE SHOULD HASSLE THE HUMANS TO BUILD A HONEY ART MUSEUM,” Karkat shouted. “I THOUGHT YOU HATED FUCKING HUMANS, ANYWAY.”

Captor shrugged. “Rothe ith cool. And thmart.”

“I’m not too shabby, myself,” you put in. “No really, what the hell is rollstuck?”

Karkat grimaced. “I ONCE CALLED THIS DOUCHETARD HERE HIVESTUCK SINCE HE NEVER GETS OUT. SERIOUSLY, IT’S HUMILIATING FOR HIM. THE SECOND-HAND EMBARRASSMENT’S LIKE THUNDER DOWN MY THROAT. AND HE JUST WON’T FUCKING _LET IT GO_.”

“I would let it go, if you’d get off my fucking bone bulge. But noo, Thollux geth all the hate. I never even did anything wrong.”

"Gotcha,” you said, deciding to steer clear of that conversation topic like the wind. “Think I could go for some apple juice, you got anything in the batcave?”

“BYOB,” said Karkat, which was only nicer than _get your own fucking drink monkey bitch_ by so much.  
  
“I know! Time lord knowth human food, right? He can explainth sandwhich art.”

“I can what?” you echoed, and a few seconds later there was a magazine stuck in your face. “Can’t read it, dudes. Too dark.”

There came a pause and then Captor’s multicoloured eyes blinked on like a nightlight, sparking everywhere.

You laughed in surprise. “ _Holy Christ_ are you for real? A women’s magazine? Karkat, why didn’t you tell me sooner you were into this, bro?”

“Magazine?”

But you were busy flicking through the pages, and it was definitely _Cosmo_ or _Women’s Day_ or some shit, there were too many lipstick adds for it not to be. You couldn’t actually remember the last time you looked at one of these.

Captor stopped on the food section. “Explain.”

A lavish page-spread, all macro close up and good lighting and photoshop filter, revealed several sandwhiches, doused in honey and heavenly-looking. On the next page were pancakes drizzled in maple and topped with banana, and an idealized family tucking into a meal. They were seriously arguing over _Buckwheat Mix_ and _woman laughing alone with salad._

“WELL, WHAT DOES THE ALIEN TEXT SAY, IDIOT.”

“I think we already covered that,” Captor snickered. You gave him a high five.

“IS IT A VESTATION VOODOO RECIPE WHICH FETISHIZES IGNORANCE?” Karkat said. “THE TYPEFACE IS OFFENSIVE.”

“Yeah, well that’s Times New Roman for you,” you said. They stared. “Nahh, it’s a honey sandwich add.”

“What?” they both demanded.

“Yeah, look.” You pointed. “Bottle is side focus. They probably dodged it a ton.”

“BUT, IT’S SO PRETTY,” Karkat protested.

“That’s how it sells,” you explained. “Don’t you guys eat honey in Alternia?”

Captor shuddered.

“FUCKING RIDICULOUS, ATTRACTIVE HUMANS DINING WITH ADULT HUMANS AND CONSUMING BEVEARGE IN AN APPEALING MANNER. THAT IS SO WEIRD. HOW DO YOU ALIENS EVEN LIVE WITH YOURSELVES?”

“Tell you what, once we get to the new world I’ll shout you both some honey,” you offered. Sounded like it’d be hilarious.

“Oh, sweet,” Captor said. “Alien electronics.”

“What,” you deadpanned.

They both grinned. Loathe to upset this tenuous balance or try Karkat’s hospitality, you flew with it like a pro. “So you guys are like, black flirting something terrible here. Did something happen, or is Karkat just being a slut.”

“HEY, FUCK YOU,” Karkat said affectionately. “AND ALTERNIA, EWW, NO. PLATONIC. WOULD I IMPLY SICK THINGS ABOUT YOU AND YOUR JOHN HUMAN? NO. BECAUSE I AM NOT A BULGEHEAD.”

“Basically, I suck,” said Captor, with a wink. “Except KK sucks more.”

“REPULSIVE, THE BOTH OF YOU. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE, HONESTLY. I HEREBY RENOUNCE ANY GOOD RAPPORT I HAVE HAD WITH EITHER ONE OF YOU PIECES OF PERVERTED SHIT. WHAT WOULD YOUR LUSII SAY.”

“Think my Bro would just cheer me on,” you said, and Captor snorted.

“REST ASSURED NO INCESTATIOUS BLACK SHENANIGANS SHALL BE UNDERGONE TONIGHT, MEN. DAVE IS ACTING FAR TOO PALE FOR THAT.”  
  
“Pail? Oh hell no,” you said, smirking. “You’re the one who’s got your Chris Brown and Rihanna deal on here, so don’t look at me like I’m being freaky.”

“Thometimeth I do think I’ll snap, becauthe I don’t have a kithmethith,” Captor said. “I gueth we are acting a little awkward. Though aren’t we alwayth like thith?”

“ _YOU_ ARE,” Karkat grumbled. A charged sort of silence followed, where you heavily questioned their respective social skills.

“I’m pretty sure fight talk and weird hatemance isn’t normal,” you said. “Not that I know much about normal, but if Rezi’s and the clown’s failed pitched tent is anything to go by, that’s a quadrant you do not want in your bro quadrangle.”

Karkat went all quiet at mention of Terezi. Sollux zapped him protestingly. “OWW!” Karkat screeched.

“You got us,” you said. “No homo.”

“BUT FOR HOW LONG, HUH? HOW LONG WILL MY BEST BUDDIES BE MY BEST BUDDIES BEFORE THEY GO OFF WITH THEIR GIRLFRIENDS AND THEIR BRO FRIENDS? HOW LONG CAN I NOT EVEN SCARE YOU SHITHEADS OFF BEFORE WE GET THERE. DAVE, YOU’RE UNSCARABLE.” Karkat stood up briskly. “ _MAYBE_ HOMO.”

“What!” you said, trying not to shit your pants.

“SOLLUX. WHAT DO YOU THINK. GREY CONCILITATION. THIS HOMO,” Karkat said. “HE SOLVED OUR ART BOOK PROBLEM.”

“Whoa, I just met the guy,” Captor said. He glanced at you. “No offenthe. But I don’t uthually date thrangerth.”

“YOU DON’T HAVE TO TRUST HIM. HE JUST HAS TO ENSURE I DON’T KILL YOU. CONSIDER IT GET TO KNOW YOU.”

You grabbed Karkat by the shoulder. “Karkat man, I am _not_ having a hatemance threeway with you and the psychic dude.”

“RELAX, DOUCHEBAG. IT’S LIKE YOU GUYS DON’T KNOW WHAT AN UNSATURATED QUADRANT IS. LET ME ENLIGHTEN YOU,” Karkat said. You backed up a few steps, but thankfully he didn’t approach. “TROLLS ACT SPADES TOWARDS EACH OTHER. TROLLS DO NOT FEEL SPADES.  THIRD PARTY COMES IN AND STOPS THEM MURDERING AND/OR BONING.”

“Cute. Karkat man though, I don’t think I could stop a murdertroll if I tried,” you said.

“Not like that,” Captor said, snickering. “Authspithticthm is bathic peacemaking over minor thingth, which build up over time, not duelth. Like a luthtuth, or teacher. You could uthe it to thplit up an unstable kithmethitude if you really had to, but I won’t attack KK for thtealing my penthil. I don’t want to hurt him anyway, except I’m paranoid, tho I might mithinterperet hith anger.”

“So I basically just stomp on your feet and tell you to apologize so you can be bros,” you said. “No nasties?”

“It’th very romantic,” said Captor.                                                                      

You snickered. “I would’ve done that anyway. At least to get Karkat to stop complaining about forever alone and shit. That’s what bro’s do.”

Karkat froze. “ARE YOU FUCKING SURE.”

“Course I am, so long as I don’t have to intercept any death blows. Shit’s nasty, man.”

“FUCK.” Karkat looked like he was about to cry or something. You hoped he didn’t cry.

“You have two want it, to stop them fighting,” Captor said. “You can’t thirk us to be a monkey or whatever. We need you. We’d be counting on you.”

You thought about it. “You two are really close, aren’t you?” You looked at Karkat, then at Captor and the comparison between you and John again rose to mind. It was easy to imagine them really being tight, with the way Karkat rambled about Captor to you like he was the best thing since sliced bread. The way Captor lounged at the troll bed cocoon like he practically lived there, with a massive frown on his face. You tried to imagine you and John made to hate each other because society and hormones thought you should be douches. A tug of pity pulled your heart. Karkat really did have a terrible personality.

You didn’t know jack shit about this sort of alien romance, truth be told, and the one lovey dovey troll paperback of Karkat’s you read had only taught you one thing. If you ever had that one _really_ annoying friend, sometimes you were just an ass to them and you really seriously can’t help it.  “Do you want this?” you asked them. “Sounds pretty sudden.”

Karkat and Captor exchanged a glance. There wasn’t any question. “IF ONLY TO SAVE OUR FRIENDSHIP,” Karkat said. “NOT PALE FOR THIS GUY HERE, BUT DAMN, I’D HATE TO LOSE HIM AS A FRIEND. EPECIALLY A PLATONIC ONE. EVERYONE THINKS I’M A PALE SLUT.”

“You kind of are,” Captor said. Karkat kicked him.

“Hey there, none of that,” you said, and this time they both looked away and blushed. _Damn._ “So how about you just invite me whenever you’re going to hang out? It’d be sweet just chilling anyway.”

“Thounds cool,” said Captor. “You’re not bad, Thtrider.”

“Not neutral, either.” You grinned. “If that’s all it is, I could really go for some aj. Think we could get some music in here?”  
  
Karkat muttered and stomped down the hallway.

“He’th gunna play the Titanic OST real soft,” Captor confided, giggling.

“Oh _hell_ no,” you swore. “This is way too subtle for my style. All these mixed messages, shit. Give me a girl I can talk to.”

“You’d hate Aradia,” Captor said. “The’s _retherved_.”

“You can call me Dave, by the way,” you said.

Captor grinned. “Then you have to call me Thollux.”

“Alright, Thollux.”

“Hehehe, fuck you.”

Karkat came in with some party juice and sick tunes and some not so sweet movies, but you could work with that. There wasn’t much to _supervise_ , in that sort of way, and you found yourself getting into it. Teasing them was worth its weight in terrible comebacks. Even when you were sent home by a yawning Sollux and swearing Karkat, you still had their thoughts on your mind curling into bed.

You lay there for awhile, and smirked. When you thought about it, auspicitism was a lot like thinking someone too ugly to be a lay and too special to be a corpse. You glanced at your abandoned converse. Or. Maybe it was just not wanting to hurt them by entering a relationship, or having an aggressive relationship based all on personal image.

Someone needed to auspictise you and Lil Cal this second, because you do not want to see Bro’s face when he finds out you’ve destroyed him. If he comes back, that is, on the new world. You wonder about that.

But you think you’ve managed to do something good today, for someone other than yourself. And if you had to spill metaphorical aj down your shirt to do it, that just made it all the more precious.

Your bro was killed by an alien, and you won’t have your other bro killed by an alien, never.


End file.
